Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Noble Prize for Corruption

These are trying times for the truly corrupt. To fathom their angst, put yourself in their shiny black shoes.

For beating the system 6-0, 6-0, 6-0, no one applauds you the way they celebrate Roger Federer. For constructing a financial maze that would flummox any modern day Theseus, all you get is the label of a ‘crook’. For generating more wealth than any elected government, no honourable university is willing to give you an honorary doctorate. Ain’t this rank injustice?

We at Seriously Crazy Activist’s Movement (SCAM) think it’s a cause worth fighting for. We feel it’s time for a principled battle to win back the lost halo of the unscrupulous. To reclaim a life of dignity for the depraved and the debauched, we’re launching the Blackmark Awards. The Awards will be modelled on the Nobel Prize. Only the most deserving with an enviable track record of unquestionable dishonesty will be deemed worthy of a nomination.

There will be 5 categories in all: Category 1 is the Blackmark for Exemplary Craftsmanship in Yarn Spinning. William Miller, the New Yorker who claimed enough insider knowledge to deliver an astonishing ‘520% return on investments’ would have made a great nominee had he been an Indian. Category 2 is the Blackmark for Extraordinary Prowess in Process Lubrication. The real life Polyester ‘Guru’ with his penchant for sealed envelopes, fat suitcases, mystery gifts, surprise donations and paid vacations would be an automatic choice for the award. Alas he’s no more.

Category 3 is the Blackmark for Outstanding Expertise in Creative Accounting. People like Ramalinga Raju, who’s legendary for inventing fixed deposits worth 33 billion rupees, will be vying for this slot. Category 4 is the Blackmark for Unimpeachable Give & Take. Only parliamentarians, cabinet ministers, chief ministers, prime ministers and presidents with proven credentials in Generosity in Awarding Contracts to the Undeserving, will be eligible. Category 5 is the Blackmark for Innovative Interpretation of Rules. Awarded to meritorious bureaucrats and judges with the uncanny knack of envisioning loopholes for every clause in the book.

Entry forms can be obtained when you wire USD 100,000 to my Nigerian account. Interested?