In the Name of Demockracy

Close your eyes. And visualize. What do you see when you think of politics? Nehru coated netajis delivering boring bhaashans, men in white minting black money, MLAs practicing the javelin by hurling microphones, schemers multiplying votes by dividing the nation, unkempt men and unkept promises, film stars and drama queens, rising sons and falling standards…wasn’t this Dismal Documentary playing in your Mindscreen when you pressed the START button? Sad, na? Don’t you think ‘We the People’ deserve better?

The rest of the world has discovered an antidote to this political ailment. If you ask me, the solution deserves a Nobel Prize for Medicine. Mota moti, the idea is to do a Jaspal Bhatti and to ridicule the jokers who rule you by creating your own ridiculous political party!

The first trend setter in this genre was the Rhinoceros Party of Canada. Instituted in 1963 by Jacques Ferron, the organization elected a rhino from one Montreal zoo as its leader citing remarkable similarities to thick-skinned, slow-moving and dim-witted politicians. Inspired by this, the McGillicuddy Serious Party came into being in New Zealand. It made a splash with the promise of free dung, good weather and full unemployment.

The limelight enjoyed by these Satirical Political Parties encouraged the birth of a whole parliament of jocularly named rag tag coalitions. The OWL Party of Washington made its debut at the hustings, in 1976, as a double acronym standing for ‘Out With Logic, On With Lunacy’. Leading the clown fest in Sweden was the Donald Duck Party with the ‘free liquor’ manifesto. The Hungarian Double-tailed Dog Party pushed the envelope further by announcing ‘eternal life, world peace, one work day per week and two sunsets a day!’ Some porn stars took the cue and floated the Love Party in Italy with the solemn oath of legalizing brothels and injecting more fun in Sex Education. But the one that really rocked was the Sun Ripened Warm Tomato Party of Australia. It polled 0.69% of the national vote, thanks to its bizarre name! Hopefully the Cho Ramaswamis of the world will take note and start their own Mock Munnetra Kazhakams.

The Godmen of Small Things

There was a time when honorific prefixes and suffixes were appended to names only after a lifetime of consideration. Paramahamsa was one such lofty title. Only the enlightened metasouls who could sift the truth from the illusion were conferred this spiritual knighthood. Recently while watching Vinnaithandi Varuvaya, the cinematographer’s work caught my eye. I discovered it was by one, Manoj Paramahamsa! With all due respect to the man, I wonder how his parents bestowed him this coveted surname without going through the contortions of acquiring the black belt of Yogahood. I am almost certain the genuine gurus who slaved away all their empty lives in pursuit of such mystic honorifics, will be collectively scowling in their saintly samadhis.

But they must be used to it now. After all, they have seen so many godmen take so many liberties and bring so much disrepute to so many guru names that they would’ve stopped counting. Like our newest sensation, Paramahamsa Nithyananda (born as Rajasekaran).

Son of a farmer, the young lad did his studies in Tiruvannamalai (Ramana Maharishi’s abode) and one fine day discovered the stairway to heaven and the short cut to nirvana. That’s when he decided to switch over to the saffron garb and appropriated the aura of a sanyasi by attempting a naming technique, we call fusonyms. He just sliced the ‘ananda’ from Vivekananda, diced ‘Nithya’ from Nithya Chaitanya Yati and added a sprinkling of the reverential P-word and thus was born Paramhamsa Nithyananda. That one masterstroke changed his destiny and the rest is television history.

The ingeniousness of Rajasekaran has inspired me to create a whole new cult of Fake Godmen names. It’s royalty free. So feel free to partake of my holy prasad. Up for grabs first is Swami Twistananda, for the dancing guru. With such a name, one can give Shiamak Davar, a gambol for his money. Laptop Baba can be a brilliant way to make nubile chicks, plonk on your lap. Football Maharaj is for disciples in search of a guru who can help them kick their bad karma. I have a lot more monikers. I shall preserve them for my salvation!

The Doctor Balki Syndrome

Doctor Balki is an honorable man. After giving us India’s first diabetic-friendly movie (Cheeni Kum), he followed it up with a flick on the Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome. The ingenious choice of a rare disease gave the audience a reason-to-lap-up the monkey dancing antics of Auro, and more importantly, it provided Amitabh, a new medical condition to milk an award (flash back: Alzheimer’s fetched Big B, the National for Black). Inspired by Balki’s award winning template, KJo injected doses of the Asperger Syndrome into the MNIK script, to resuscitate the thespian in Star Rukh Khan. Now I hear the search is on for even more obscure diseases and syndromes for creating roles-to-die-for, for the other Khans, Kumars, Deols and Khannas. Let’s raise a toast to the gentlemen who started this trend.

To aid my fellow miserable scriptwriters, the black humorist in me, thought, it would be a nice idea to share a few ‘zara hat ke’ syndrome names that can serve as a neat fig leaf for the lack of a plot. Here’s the deluge with suitable pointers on the cast…

Leriche’s Syndrome will be ideal for a Mukesh Bhatt production starring the serial kisser Emran Hashmi. Leriche is a disease that causes impotence due to the paralysis of the Lumbar spinal nerve. Goodpasture’s Syndrome can serve as today’s Lymphosarcoma of the Intestine (Rajesh Khanna dies in ‘Anand’ because of this condition). Goodpasture results in death by renal failure and it offers immense scope for Guru Duttesque melodramas. Marfan Syndrome can fulfill Aamir’s long cherished desire to play a tall character! Because this genetic disorder is known to lead to extra long limbs and long thin fingers. Marfan can also seriously impair the eyes causing Astigmatism and Nearsightedness. These touches could enhance the glycerine quotient in the poignant climax.

Bipasha would love the Takayasu’s Syndrome as it is known to cause pulselessness. Imagine a Ram Gopal Varma horror film where the protagonist is assumed to be dead because Shiney Ahuja can’t feel the pulse! Do you sense the possibilities? So go on. Abuse the syndromes. And blame it all on Balki.

Extracted from my Nama Sutra column, featured in Indulge, the Friday lifestyle tabloid of New Indian Express.

River Themed Brand Names

Alert, Nunuvut

Located in Canada on the tip of the Nunavut territory, Alert is a small village that lies on the Arctic Ocean only 500 miles below the North Pole. It is widely considered to be the northernmost permanently inhabited place in the world (with a whopping five year-round residents), and also one of the most inhospitable. Interesting name.

Do you know how Shemaroo got its name?

Shemaroo Entertainment was started in 1962 by the Maroo brothers (Buddhichand, Atul & Raman)in collaboration with the Shethias. SHEthias + MAROO = Shemaroo. And thus was born Shemaroo.

Top 10 Baby Names of 2009

BOY LIST
Aidan
Noah
Liam
Caden
Ethan
Jackson
Landon
Jacob
Caleb
Lucas

GIRL LIST
Amelia
Isabella
Ava
Sophia
Olivia
Madeline
Lily
Abigail
Chloe
Emma

Source: Babynames.com.

Ramon Estevez derived his stage name partially from this archbishop. What did he call himself?

"Well, when i was a boy growing up, the first tele-evangelist really was Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. And I thought of him as a magnificant actor, and so I took his name and I put it together with the Martin. And people thought I looked Irish anyway, and so I thought alright I'll , ill surrender to this and so I invented Martin Sheen."

A capital city named 'capital'?

From Samit Basu's piece on Kazakhtan. Check out Astana.

"There’s a genre of computer game called the city-building game; the SimCity and Caesar series are good examples. Your task, as the player, is to take an area of land and develop it—roads, housing, banks, markets. You build places for people to live in, and wait for settlers to drift in from the corners of the screen. Once they’re in, your task is to keep them happy.

There is no city in the world that reminds me of this type of game as strongly as Astana (meaning capital), the new capital of Kazakhstan."

Take a peek at this name

On December 23, this year, Kim Peek, the real Rain Man whose almost unimaginable powers of memory were coupled with severe disabilities and who inspired the Oscar-winning film role played by Dustin Hoffman, has died of a heart attack in his home town of Salt Lake City, aged 58.

Would you like to have some Pussy?

"Pussy is the first truly premium energy drink. We have sourced the best ingredients to create a great taste and a natural lift. We believe in challenging the consensus – and moving things forward. Pussy is about natural energy, it’s irreverent, sophisticated and a pleasure to drink. Pussy is NOT about being serious, chemical energy, having a corporate attitude or being predictable." For more pussy talk, go here.

What does Eclairs mean?

Eclair in French means 'Lightning'.

Which brand is named after this gentleman?

Grundig, the german giant in consumer electronics, is named after Max Grundig.

Why 'Recession' is better than 'Depression'

Names are words. (Duh!) For a name to be impactful, the word representing it must make all the right noises, if you know what I mean. And if you don't, here's what: In the thirties, after the Great Depression of '29, people didn't want to hear the sound of the 'D' word, preferably, ever again. So, they came up with a new, kinder, more compassionate sounding one: Recession. Any economic downturn in the years that followed the big 'D' came to be termed as a 'Recession'. Essentially, recession became a euphemism for depression.

That said, the Great Depression is not the only reason people prefer recession, the sound of it, also, helps soften the blow. Or at least it did, back then. Now, though, we're in a time where some of us could do with a euphemism for the big 'R'. Whatever softer sounding word we go for, it'll help to arrive at the appropriate one once we have understood why people prefer the sound of 'recession' to 'depression'. Here's a thumb rule to acquaint yourself with and apply on all words/terms in the 'bad news' space.

The explanation, in short: Recession has two 'hard sounds' less than 'Depression'. Think about how useful this kind of 'tongue-walking-on-eggshells' becomes, literally and metaphorically, when you're looking for the right words (or word) to break the bad news. Recession, from the linguistic, oral and word navigation points-of-view, was easier to handle than 'depression'. (Just say it, softly.)

Next thing you know, we'll have a euphemism for 'recession'? (Don't we, already?) Whatever the people who decide these things proclaim it should be, we think for it to work, it'll have to drop the 'sion'. Any ideas on what the next recession will be called? Anyone for 'Hiccup'? It has no soft sounds but sounds less sombre than 'recession'. Sadly, a hiccup is too short to be seriously considered as a contender for the title of 'euphemism for recession'.

How about 'slowdown'? Ok.

Celebrity Baby Names

Aarav - Akshay Kumar's son
Alexander Pete - Naomi Watts' son
Alimayou Moa-T - Wesney Snipes' son
Anvay - Rahul Dravid's son
Arin - Madhuri Dixit's son
Aryan Khan - Shah Rukh Khan's son
Bluebell Madonna - Geri Halliewell's daughter
Cayden Wyatt - Kevin Costner's son
Charlie Axel - Tiger Woods' son
Clementine Jane - Ethan Hawke's daughter
Daisy True - Meg Ryan's daughter
Dona Ganguly - Saurav Ganguly's daughter
Emme Maribel - J.Lo's daughter
Emmy Charlotte - Ricky Ponting's daughter
Finn - Christy Turlington's son
Hania Riley - Vin Diesel's daughter
Hayes Logan - Kevin Costner's son
Henry - Heidi Klum's son
Henry Daniel - Julia Roberts' son
Henry Tadeusz - Colin Farell's son
Honor Marie - Jessica Alba's son
Isabella - Matt Damon's daughter
Jayden James - Britney Spears' son
Knox Leon - Brangelina's son
Lucia - Mel Gibson's daughter
Max Liron - Christina Aguilera's son
Maximilian David - J Lo's son
Nahla Ariela - Halle Berry's daughter
Nysa - Kajol's daughter
Oscar - Gillian Anderson's son
Pax Thien - Brangelina's son
Quinn - Sharon Stone's son
Rasha - Raveena Tandon's daughter
Ryan - Madhuri Dixit's son
Sadie Madison - Adam Sandler's daughter
Sebastian Thomas - Tommy Hilifiger's son
Shiloh Nouvel - Brangelina's daughter
Tennyson Spencer - Russel Crowe's son
Valentina Paloma - Salma Hayek's daughter
Valentino - Ricky Martin's son

Tsunamika

Lots of syllables. Lots of pits stops. Lots of history. And a nice bit of portmanteaugiri. Nice name for a tsunami-victims relief project. You could do worse than check out her products.

A movie called Talaq Talaq Talaq

I was wondering about the sensation such a movie title would cause. If an orthodox muslim were to read this aloud in front of his wife, it would lead to a divorce! I googled to see why no ever thought of this. Actually to be fair, BR Chopra wrestled with the idea, way back in the eighties. He dropped it when there were objections from islamic bodies. He later released the movie as Nikaah. Yes, the film that featured this lovely song...



Posted by Anantha.

Pawpaw

Talk about funny names. The pawpaw is a native american fruit and name of a town in the state of Michigan. It is also often called 'prairie banana' because of its banana-like creamy texture and flavor. You can read, even, more about it, here. And more.

Probably the best family of names. Ever

How wrestlers get their names

The sport of professional wrestling is punctuated with some of the more outlandish names in the history of branding. (For instance, the dashing fellow shown here goes by the delightful moniker 'Nacho Libre'!) In this post, I direct you to the riveting story behind another wrestling/er brand, the 'Rock and Roll Express'. And more.

"Have you ever wondered where some of the names wrestlers use come from? Well they can only come from two places. Either the wrestler gives himself a name or the booker/creative people do. In earlier times, a guy could get a name in 30 seconds. Now, it might take weeks to run copyright and trademark searches. The Rock and Roll Express didn't have to wait long. Click here for the story of not only how their name was arrived at but also their gimmick."

Speaking of which, who is your favourite brand of wrestler? Mine's, hands down, 'The Undertaker'. In fact, the mere mention of the name sends a chill down my spine. Talk about brand personality.

Orissa is now 'Odisha'

For more reasons than one, this is a better name. For one, it's easier to spell. For two, the 'd' in the middle gives it a nice point of emphasis stronger than the earlier 'r' and for three, 'Odisha' is how the people of Odisha pronounce 'Orissa'. So it makes sense. (Names are more memorable when spelled the way they sound. ex: Orissa v/s Odisha.) Incidentally, Oriya is now 'Odia', which in my opinion is not as memorable as 'Oriya'. (It's complicated and can be explained only in an elaborate Powerpoint presentation.) All said and done, what do names, and name-changes, like Odisha, Chennai, Kolkata, Thiruvananthapuram and Mumbai say about the principles of naming? Think about it.

A Tamil Name for a Swiss Watch

Just discovered this 1983-born Swiss watch. It's derived from the tamil word Kattamaram. The idea was to position it as the ideal watch for sailing.

Wave, it doesn't matter

I believe what you call a new brand doesn't count all that much when it is already backed by an old one with high equity and recall. Case in point: Wave from Google. In such cases, more than the name of the new product what matters, more than earlier, is the quality of the newly-launched product from the old stable. If, for example, Wave turns out to be shit, Brand Google takes a beating. On the other hand, had Google chosen to call 'Wave' 'Siht' and gone on to deliver yet another great product, 'Siht' would, in all likelihood, be hailed as a revolution in naming. (Sorta like 'FCUK'). That's how much names matter. Or not. Btw, don't you just love the 'Wave' logo? I do.

Strange Cricketer Names

Aiden Blizzard
John Snow
Gladstone Small
Anthony Llewyn Biggs
Allan Lamb
Rodney Hogg
Geoff Boycott
David Boon
Craig White
Marlon Black
Bill Brown
Gordon Greenidge
Peter Sleep
Rick Darling
Napoleon Einstein
Farookh Engineer
Derek Underwood
Ryan Sidebottom
Graham Onions

Feel free to add to the list...

Onion themed names

A good name for an airline?

It's called Calm Air and it indicates, very clearly, it is a Canadian airline. Nifty or what?

A surname that may not work in Chennai

Tavadia is a parsi surname. Tha-waad-dia is how it's pronounced, I guess. I googled and tried to find its meaning. Couldn't. Whatever it means, it can only spell trouble in Chennai. Tevudia means whore in tamil slang. And tevudia paiya means a bastard. So any chap with a Tavadia surname is bound to be ragged at a college in Tamil Nadu. Mind it!

Names We Like: dnL

In 2002, Cadbury Schweppes launched dnL. A 180-degree take on 7up. I think it was a fabulous idea. Unfortunately, it was discontinued in 2005. If it were relaunched today with a different taste, the brand will get enough trials by the sheer beauty of the name. I feel it was an audacious experiment, a little ahead of its time.

Mountain themed brand names

Factonama: Joomla

Joomla, the content management system brand, derives its name from the Anglicised version of the Arabic word Jumla which means 'all together'. Probably the open source origins, influenced the choice. Or may be since the name itself was a colloborative effort of so many people.