The Butchers in Baggy Green

Bleeding Down Under is an experience, not particularly unique to women. Legions of overseas cricketers who’ve crossed swords with the mighty Australians in the striped battlefields of The Gabba or WACA will vouch for this embarrassing haemorrhage.

Dhoni’s Boys have suffered the same bloody indignity in Melbourne and Sydney. Perhaps the time has come for BCCI to add tampons to the cricketing gear of our hallowed stars. Else, Perth might provoke more mirth about the Agneepath-turned-Ughneepath series.

To be fair, a meaty portion of the credit for the all-round-mauling should go to Cricket Australia for assembling a squad of surgical butchers who relentlessly sliced, diced and cleaved through the veins, nerves and arteries of the hapless Indian XI.

You’d be fascinated to know that the knockout performance of the proud baggy greeners was foretold by their names. The fearless David Warner was destined to be on the front foot as his name meant ‘beloved warrior’. His partner Edward Cowan (meaning: wealth protecting commoner) makes the perfect foil as he was prognosticated to be defensive in nature. Ricky Ponting (Strong power bridger) was prophesied to be the ever dependable link between generations. The selfless sagacity of Michael Clarke (Learned like god) can be attributed to the wisdom embedded in his moniker.

Mike Hussey (Master of the house) stamps his authority on most matches because he was baptised so. Brad Haddin (Broad blossoming hill) hasn’t yet bloomed into a Gilchrist due to the ‘work-in-progress’ aspect of his surname. The heartlessness of Peter Siddle (Stony wide gap) in squeaking through the bat and pad was forecast when his dad decided to christen him.

Likewise, Ben bailed out the Aussies as Hilfenhaus translates to ‘Helping House’ in German. Fast bowling spearhead James Pattinson (Noble supplanter) who replaced injured pace sensation Pat Cummins in the New Zealand tour, didn’t let down his captain as the script was written when he was named!

Don’t you find the performance-lies-in-the-name theory intriguing? The acid test for it could rest with Ryan Harris (little home ruler). If his etymological roots are anything to go by, I am afraid we can kiss the series, a gory goodbye.